(Note: None of the pictures in this post are mine.)
As I write this, I’m halfway through my latest round of cancer treatments. The current regimen, consisting of two chemotherapy drugs, is a step down from the BCG I had two rounds of already. BCG is currently the gold standard for non-muscle-invasive bladder cancer, but it didn’t work for me and this one still could.
Although the nurse I’ve been working with told me that bladder cancer is like a dandelion—you kill it with herbicide and it pops up somewhere else later. Obviously, with two recurrences, I’ve seen this happen for myself, but it was still discouraging. I have to keep remembering that God is in control and is not bound by statistics. If He wants me to be healed of this, I will be, and if He has other plans for me, nothing on earth can prevent it. (My husband is more optimistic than I am overall.)
The treatment is not fun. Two different medications get instilled in a process that takes several hours. I have to get all this done at a university hospital an hour away from home. My dad has been going with me, which was particularly nice the first time, when I was most nervous.
Thankfully, side effects have been generally mild. I feel nauseated, a little sore, and emotionally exhausted on the day of treatment, but usually feel back to normal in 24 hours. I did have terrible itchiness and some prickly feeling neuropathy all over my body, which was maddening, but that has lessened. Otherwise, there haven’t been enormous changes in how I feel, but it’s nerve-wracking to know that could change from one week (or day) to another. And there are instances where chemo patients have developed side effects weeks or even months after treatment.
At least I still have my hair, for now. True story: I’ve always been quite vain about my hair. For the longest time, I used to be afraid that God would strike me down with cancer as punishment for that vanity. Well, I did get cancer, but not the kind that requires hair-losing treatment. And ironically, now I would not hesitate to trade my hair for a successful treatment that would let me keep my bladder.
Other than sharing where I am in the treatment process, I haven’t thought there was anything worth sharing on this blog lately. In a way, you could say that’s a good thing—no big, bad developments or disasters to report and think about.
The last few years, I haven’t thought it worth writing a personal blog post unless it can be made into some big, meaningful narrative and theme. But while I don’t have a major “lesson” to share like the last few posts, I thought it would be good—both for me and for anyone reading this—to share some of the blessings that I’ve received from God lately.
(From God? Are you sure? Yes: “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.” – James 1:17-18)
Here are some of them:
The weather is getting springy, and warm enough for long walks, after a lengthy bout of frigid late-winter temperatures. I’m sure, per Ohio tradition, we’ll get one last blizzard this month or in April. For now, though, I’ll take what we can get.
Our neighborhood has a good number of bluebirds, some of which have visited our yard. I’ve seen more bluebirds in the last year than in all the previous 34 years.
I’m still cooking, and making good food lately. It’s not just to remind my husband why he married me. For anti-cancer purposes, I’ve been cutting back on carbs, especially added/refined sugars. I tried to go keto, but I like fruit too much, so I’m focusing on sweets, added sugars, etc. (So far, this is my favorite artificial sweetener. And no, that’s not an affiliate link.) I’m making my own salad dressings and breakfast egg cups. My husband and I found out we like turnips. I’ve gotten completely addicted to homemade almond butter so that I can’t go a day without having an apple or a banana with many tablespoons of the stuff. When it comes to tasty snacks, I’m still getting used to making enough to share, now that I’m married.
I’m 2/3 through the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I’ve never been a great Tolkien fan. I love The Hobbit (the book, not the movies), but I was always intimidated by the LotR series, not helped by the nerds obsessed with the Silmarillion‘s obscure minutiae and Tolkien’s invented language. (There’s no way to prove this, but I’d just like to brag that I spelled both “Silmarillion” and “minutiae” correctly on the first try.) However, I believe there is a “right time” in our lives for certain books and movies, and apparently the time for me to read and appreciate LotR has arrived. (Don’t worry, I’m still fiercely loyal to my boy C.S. Lewis, but I now have a greater appreciation for Tolkien’s brilliance and hard work.) It also helps that I married a guy who is a fan of the LotR series and grew up on he old animated movies and hates the Peter Jackson adaptations.
By the way, do you know the story of how Tolkien hated the Narnia series, at least initially? It gives me no end of delight. The story goes that Lewis actually tossed his initial draft for The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe after Tolkien hated it, but another friend encouraged him to give it another go.
Not surprisingly, Tolkien didn’t think Lewis put in enough effort to create the world and backgound of Narnia, mixing too many mythological elements without properly establishing why they were there at all. Tolkien was an absolute purist when it came to how mythological creatures were portrayed, and he despised Lewis’ depiction of Mr. Tumnus, the faun, as a mannerly creature who invites Lucy to tea. To Tolkien, this was an unconscionable, unforgivable violation of fauns’ traditional characterizations as frightening, lustful creatures that were not appropriate for children. And the fact that Tumnus had a book called Nymphs and Their Ways (a spoof of pop-science books published in Lewis’ day) was too much for Tolkien.
The mental image of Lewis adding random mythological creatures to his stories, just because it’s fun, while Tolkien rages at his friend’s reckless approach to world-building, makes me very happy. Bonus points if Lewis doubled down specifically to tick Tolkien off.
So what are you grateful for lately, perhaps in spite of circumstances?
The Badass Introvert 